Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Hello.
So, yes, you're right. I do do intros to my recordings, usually, because you know how I used to
do the recording with a person, and then I would take all that and I would edit it? Mommy used to
be super cranky in the garage and be like, leave me alone. I'm trying to edit. I'm trying to work.
You're pulling my focus away. Right? Yeah. So, anyway, yes, I usually do an intro, but I'm not
going to do an intro to this one because this is the podcast. So you are on the pod. Well, you're
on the pod. This is the intro. Do you want me to do it like I usually do it?
[00:00:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:00:35] Speaker A: So I say good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. This is bullet
wounds and stretch marks podcast with your host, Ivy. And today, my.
My guest is my son, Ian Matthew. Hello. Hello. I'm not putting you on video, though. Why? How
old are you?
[00:00:55] Speaker B: Seven.
[00:00:56] Speaker A: Right. So is that appropriate? In my mind?
[00:00:58] Speaker B: No.
[00:00:59] Speaker A: Do you appreciate that, that I use that consideration with you? Okay, cool.
So we've covered that. So why are we doing our podcast today?
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Why?
[00:01:07] Speaker A: Did I tell you a little bit about it already?
[00:01:09] Speaker B: Yeah, because there is gonna be, like, a vote for, like, a special thing.
[00:01:14] Speaker A: It's a contest.
[00:01:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:01:15] Speaker A: And do you remember what I called it?
[00:01:20] Speaker B: No, I don't.
[00:01:21] Speaker A: Okay. So I didn't give you all the information, because as soon as we
started having a conversation about it, what happened? I was like, oh, my gosh, I have a great
idea.
Why don't I just record this conversation and we have it a little bit later? Let me set everything
up. Right.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: Right.
[00:01:36] Speaker A: So now we're gonna have the conversation. You ready?
[00:01:39] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:01:39] Speaker A: Do you want to go get your water?
[00:01:41] Speaker B: No, thank you.
[00:01:41] Speaker A: Okay. Are you sure?
[00:01:42] Speaker B: I'm sure. All right. So my question is.
My question is, do I have to have a phone to vote for you?
[00:01:52] Speaker A: No. I'll get to that, though, ma'am.
So, now that you've realized you're being recorded, you're being very sweet, and I greatly
appreciate it.
Okay. So I have been trying to figure out ways to get the money together, right? To get us to go
to Japan to see daddy's retirement ceremony. Right.
[00:02:18] Speaker B: Right.
[00:02:19] Speaker A: So we did a GoFundme, right, where we asked other people, and we've
had a few people help, right. But we're not there yet. So mommy still has to figure out ways,
because this is what it is to be a mommy and to make things happen. You gotta make things
happen.
[00:02:30] Speaker B: Wait a minute. Does this. Does this program, like, give you some money.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: Yes. So I saw this contest, and it's called the ultimate Explorer contest, I
guess. And so you win $10,000, which is 2000. A little bit over $2,000 more than what we
needed. Right. So. Oh, my gosh. That's perfect. Right?
[00:02:55] Speaker B: Am I going to come with you?
[00:02:57] Speaker A: Obviously you're going to come with me. Oh, so you're talking about the.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: Like to the.
[00:03:04] Speaker A: Like, the rest of the prize. Should I. Should I sell it? Should I finish what
the prize is?
[00:03:09] Speaker B: Um, no, no. Like, am I going to come with you to the, like where they tell
who the winners and losers are?
[00:03:17] Speaker A: That's online.
[00:03:18] Speaker B: Oh, never mind. Okay.
[00:03:20] Speaker A: But yes. Where I go, you go. You're seven.
You're like a tumor. So a little tumor. I grew myself. That eats away at me as it grows.
[00:03:32] Speaker B: So.
[00:03:34] Speaker A: So you win $10,000, you win a photo shoot in Arizona with Outdoor
magazine, which obviously I would take you to. And that's October 28 and 28th through 30th, I
think so right before Halloween.
And then the National Park Foundation, I believe it is, in Winnebago, partnered up. That's a
company. Right. And a foundation. And that's why they're doing this, to raise money. Right.
[00:04:10] Speaker B: Like, is the Winnebago gonna have, like, many tvs?
[00:04:14] Speaker A: We have tablets, so, yeah, we have phones, so, yeah, here, there's a mini
tv. We have one.
[00:04:20] Speaker B: It's right here.
[00:04:21] Speaker A: I don't know. Sure. We'll put one in the Winnebago with us when we go,
but you're not gonna want to do those because it is a national park tour that they plan out for us.
So they plan out the road trip, and then we take it in the Winnebago. And what better timing than
right as daddy is retiring and he's gonna have time off. Cause he has terminal leave, where he
does have that time to take some leave cause he hasn't been home. Right.
[00:04:47] Speaker B: What does a Winnebago look like?
[00:04:51] Speaker A: It doesn't really specify in the rules, but from what I read, it doesn't look
like.
I understand that you asked me a question.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:00] Speaker A: Can I answer that question?
[00:05:01] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:05:01] Speaker A: So me answering that question would be this. Yeah. I read the rules
through the contest, and it says that it is a Winnebago. And then it says explorer edition. But I
looked on their website and there's no Winnebago explorer edition. So I don't know what that
means. I could be getting catfish because this is too perfect of a contest. But I don't think I am I
think this is a real contest.
[00:05:23] Speaker B: Catfish. Wait a minute.
Are there going to be visits to lakes?
[00:05:29] Speaker A: I like that your brain went right to fishing when I said that.
It's honestly a sign that I'm a good mom, because you don't know what the new term of catfish
means. But, yes, we will go fishing.
[00:05:42] Speaker B: Yay.
[00:05:44] Speaker A: And don't worry, I will do all the hooks because daddy does not like.
Daddy's not a hooker. He does not like doing that.
[00:05:52] Speaker B: Well, at least we can go fishing with him. Yeah, I.
[00:05:56] Speaker A: Wouldn't that be amazing?
[00:05:57] Speaker B: I'm probably gonna catch a lot of fish. Maybe. Oh, remember about one
time we saw an otter in the bay?
[00:06:05] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Out in the. Out on the.
Out by the rocks.
[00:06:11] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:12] Speaker A: I was like, I'm gonna get it. But I didn't. Right.
[00:06:15] Speaker B: Wait a minute. So, like, for the fur?
[00:06:18] Speaker A: No, just cuddle.
So what we were gonna do is this podcast where I interview you, and you and I talk about how
amazing this contest is because it fits perfect, right? We need the money for the trip to go see
daddy.
Daddy? I always say, graduate, retire, not high school.
[00:06:41] Speaker B: Wait a minute.
[00:06:41] Speaker A: Feels like high school, but it's nothing. What do you mean?
[00:06:45] Speaker B: Why does it feel like high school?
[00:06:47] Speaker A: Because it's like.
It's a ceremony of, you don't belong here anymore.
High school graduation is. Hey, congratulations. Get out of this institution. You don't belong here
anymore.
[00:07:00] Speaker B: Hopefully there will be a song that hopefully rainbow in the dark will be on
at dad's retirement party.
[00:07:09] Speaker A: Well, we're gonna have a party here, too, like, for everybody stateside
that, you know, obviously can't afford. Not everyone can, including us, can afford to fly to Japan
to see someone that they care about retire from the military. Because it's more a ceremony.
Because, I mean, really, it's. It's just, you know, to show homage to what daddy has done and
the sacrifices that he's made and the sacrifices that we've made as a family, you know? And
that's why it's important for us to want to go. And that's why we swallowed our pride and asked
the Internet for help with the GoFundme, and we talked about that. Right, right.
[00:07:52] Speaker B: Because the Internet is not the best place.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: No, it used to have a warning. I think they need to bring it back.
[00:07:59] Speaker B: Right.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: It did. Well, the Internet used to scream at you before you got onto it. As
soon as you tried to click on. Yeah. It was like, it let you know that you were going to a place that
this place isn't real.
It's not a place where humans should be. Don't expect humanity to exist here. It happens. It can
be used for great things. People don't choose to do it.
[00:08:24] Speaker B: My Pokemon Go thingye, there was a warning sign that had a player
playing Pokemon go and a garden and a.
And a water Pokemon, like a gargoyles, I think, was leaning over him, ready to have a bite to
eat.
[00:08:43] Speaker A: So it kind of told you that it was a dangerous place to be.
[00:08:47] Speaker B: And he was in the dark side.
[00:08:49] Speaker A: And so that told you that the game was dangerous or that, you know,
should be careful playing it. It's very smart. Yes. Yeah. A lot of places, a lot of. A lot of companies
did used to put guardrails in like that. But, you know, profits do become a calling. So the more
profits they're screaming for, the less of those guardrails that keep the consumer safe. Right.
The kids like you, innately safe, as in don't let you just wander off into the Internet all whamby
pamby.
[00:09:23] Speaker B: My favorite time when I was playing Pokemon go, when I got to battle
team Rocket.
[00:09:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:09:31] Speaker A: And you won, usually. Mm hmm.
[00:09:34] Speaker B: Remember? I remember you told me, dad, it.
[00:09:39] Speaker A: Was back when you used to talk to me and love me before you.
[00:09:43] Speaker B: Turned seven and six.
[00:09:48] Speaker A: Well, at least, you know, it's been lasting for a whole year.
[00:09:51] Speaker B: Two years.
[00:09:54] Speaker A: It's been longer than I thought. I must have lost my mind a long time ago.
So, anyway, the podcast today, the point is to explain the contest. So let's review it again, since
you and I like to just talk to the wind sometimes out here by ourselves in the woods.
All right, so we want to win this ultimate explorer contest, right? We need to win this contest.
How do we win this contest?
We get.
I told you to remember, votes. Votes. How do we get votes? Who can vote?
[00:10:34] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:10:38] Speaker A: You don't know who can vote?
[00:10:40] Speaker B: Fine.
[00:10:40] Speaker A: Do you want me to tell you? Do you remember adults? Yeah, I know you
don't like that. You don't like it when you're excluded because you're a kid, huh?
You cannot vote. You're not 18. And in the rules online, it says that you have to be an adult, you
have to be 18 or older, and you get one free vote a day. One free vote per day.
So I could annoy people every day for the next, what, two months?
Vote for me. Vote for me. Vote for me. As if they're not hearing that enough right now, right? Kind
of bad timing for us to kind of campaign when there's so many campaigns going on.
[00:11:20] Speaker B: I'm gonna make some posters that say, vote for. Vote for your name.
[00:11:25] Speaker A: Well, there's. We're gonna make some flyers. Right? That's a good, that's
a good avenue. We're gonna use tangible flyers. We're gonna put them up. You know how
they're up at the. At the grocery store?
[00:11:35] Speaker B: I'm gonna color them.
[00:11:37] Speaker A: Well, you can help me design them and color.
I'm the.
[00:11:41] Speaker B: I am the greatest person at coloring. If you need to color, vote for me.
[00:11:47] Speaker A: You know what? I will vote for you, and I will let you win. And what I will do
is I will design our flyers today, and I'll color them to where you can color them, and you can
make them a special touch, which I do appreciate the manipulation factor of that marketing.
[00:12:04] Speaker B: Yeah, I see.
[00:12:05] Speaker A: You're welcome. Yeah, I see you.
[00:12:07] Speaker B: And I'm also going to write, she has a kid, you know.
[00:12:12] Speaker A: Trust me, it's very obvious with the coloring and such, but, yeah, you
really. You can't lay it on too thick, you see? And that's where people in marketing today are
failing. Are failing is. They're laying it on too thick. So, you know, you're being marketed to.
Right.
[00:12:28] Speaker B: I can also draw a picture of a warhammer, um, helmet or soldier or a
solder pad.
[00:12:35] Speaker A: 100%. You know, I can. You know what?
I will give you creative liberty on a flyer to take to school with you and give to your teacher and
say, hey, can you put this up in your teacher's lounge? And help my mom out and I, and help my
family so that we don't have to beg for the money on Gofundme, we win the money by people
voting for us because they think that we're worth it.
[00:13:05] Speaker B: When are we. When am I going to school again?
[00:13:10] Speaker A: Beginning of September.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: When is that?
[00:13:12] Speaker A: In, like three weeks.
[00:13:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:17] Speaker A: We still have the county fair. Go see the demolition derby for the first time.
Yes. Yes, sir.
[00:13:24] Speaker B: It must be great.
[00:13:25] Speaker A: Oh, it's gonna be awesome. You're gonna love it.
[00:13:27] Speaker B: You're gonna be so pumped.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: It's just raw destruction.
Yes. Wait a minute. So it's just cars getting.
[00:13:37] Speaker B: So it's just cars getting into car accidents.
[00:13:40] Speaker A: Right. But, you know, except that on purpose. Right? Except on purpose.
And in a. In a moderately, I wouldn't call it safe, you know, structured environment.
[00:13:50] Speaker B: Right.
[00:13:51] Speaker A: Yeah. Where it's supposed to be happening. Not like, as it happens now,
just on the Mad Max highways that we have, because people just can't follow rules.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: Actually, highway 42, I think, 40 something, 104 yeah, 104.
[00:14:08] Speaker A: Yeah, 104 is pretty bad. The metered highway. People don't realize that.
They just think it's open highway, so they just fly down the road, like, fly to those stop signs and
those merges. Yes, keep, keep, keep doing that.
[00:14:21] Speaker B: So anyway, back to the thingy.
[00:14:24] Speaker A: Yes, back to the thingy, my wiggly little child. So we're covering the rules,
right? So you have to be 18, right. You got one vote. One free vote per day.
[00:14:38] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:14:38] Speaker A: So how we're going to do that is we're going to make sure we put up
flyers.
[00:14:42] Speaker B: What are the other candidates? What are the other candidates?
[00:14:45] Speaker A: I don't know. There are other people who, just like us, went online, saw
that there was a contest and entered it.
[00:14:52] Speaker B: They probably just want to be rich.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: Well, I mean, you're not going to get rich from winning some contest, but
you're definitely, you know, it's definitely going to benefit anybody who wins it. It's a really cool
contest. I'm also going to make, like, why they're doing it.
[00:15:09] Speaker B: I'm also going to draw a Lincoln emoji.
[00:15:12] Speaker A: Okay, so then why Lincoln is involved? I don't know. Maybe we, you know
what we should do? You and I are going to discuss how the national parks came into existence
in this country before I let you artistically take. No, you don't want to know the history so you
understand how to market properly.
This is Gen Z's problem. Just so you guys know. If you don't know where it came from, then
you're not going to be able to market it. Well, anyway, we came from Arizona.
Well, and that's where the photo shoot is. That's why you think it's Arizona. But that's just where
the magazine's located. Right?
Where was that? Oh, and not only you get a free vote every day, but you can purchase votes.
Just. It's the american way, isn't it?
But you can purchase votes on the website. When you click on my thing, it says, yes, I want to
vote for free, or I. I would like to, you know, buy 20 votes and pad her, you know, chances at
winning this contest.
[00:16:13] Speaker B: If I were 18, I would buy 30 votes.
[00:16:16] Speaker A: There you go. I don't know how much that is. It's probably like five or $10.
It's not expensive to buy the votes. What's the money going to? What are they raising money
for? Why are they holding this contest? Do you want to know?
[00:16:29] Speaker B: So that people can get money.
[00:16:31] Speaker A: Who. Who is the one that the winner? Well, obviously the winner gets the
prize. Pack. But what is the extra money, the reason they're selling the votes? I don't know.
Would you like to know?
[00:16:42] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:16:42] Speaker A: So that you know what it benefits?
[00:16:44] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:16:44] Speaker A: So not only does it benefit us, but it also benefits the national parks.
They're raising money for the national parks.
[00:16:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: Which is a very noble thing to raise money for. I think. I think it's worth a.
Worth, it's worth the Google and a donation.
[00:17:02] Speaker B: Are they gonna be votes? Are there gonna be a. Is there gonna be a trip
to Missouri?
[00:17:12] Speaker A: There's quite a few national parks in Missouri, if not in Missouri, through
Missouri.
[00:17:17] Speaker B: Why? Because I want to get a coonskin cap.
[00:17:21] Speaker A: You want to. We have to get a coughing skin cap from Missouri.
[00:17:24] Speaker B: We can get a coonskin cap from anywhere.
[00:17:26] Speaker A: I just want a coonskin cap deal.
I'm glad that we had to shake on that. I think I've already told you multiple times that you can get
a coonskin cap. I'm not against that. It's just we haven't found. We haven't found one really yet. I
don't read your lips very well.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: Because I was like, I know, I know.
I just don't know why people don't make coon skin caps. Cause there are thousands of raccoons
here.
[00:17:56] Speaker A: Well, I mean, I think it's just out of fashion. I don't think that people want to
walk around in coonskin caps anymore.
[00:18:04] Speaker B: I do.
[00:18:05] Speaker A: That's your prerogative, homie.
[00:18:06] Speaker B: Also, in my italian hat.
[00:18:08] Speaker A: Your italian hat?
[00:18:09] Speaker B: I'll go show you it.
[00:18:11] Speaker A: You mean the hat like daddy's?
[00:18:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:13] Speaker A: You mean the new. The newsboy?
[00:18:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:16] Speaker A: Is what it's called Orlando? Something like that. Oh, big stretch. Big
stretch. Fiona, pet me, boy. That's what she says. So are we done, do you think? Everybody's
gonna know now with this podcast? What the.
[00:18:29] Speaker B: Oh, I also have one more question.
[00:18:31] Speaker A: Okay, what's your other question? How do you vote? How do you vote?
Yeah. Oh, well, on every recording that we post, I'm going to add the links to the website where
people can vote. I it's going to be linked on my Facebook, my personal Facebook, my bullet
wounds and stretch Marks page. Facebook, my website, every place that I can post this, I'm
going to post it on Twitter. I'm going to stay away from Reddit. Reddit doesn't like you posting
anything about anything on Reddit unless you're bitching about something, and I just don't
understand it.
[00:19:04] Speaker B: I think this would be a better name for your podcast.
[00:19:09] Speaker A: What?
I'm already branded, sir. I already own a website. It's too late to turn around. It's too late to go
back. Forever and always. My name will be bullet wounds and stretch marks.
[00:19:19] Speaker B: Okay, never mind. But I think this would be better. Um. It would be, um,
back wounds and stretch marks.
[00:19:27] Speaker A: Back wounds and stretch marks is just. It's. It's a hat on a hat. It's
depressing on depressing bullet wounds and stretch marks as a story.
[00:19:36] Speaker B: You don't have any bullet wounds.
[00:19:37] Speaker A: No, but I have a lot of stories. Right. And I do have metaphorical bullet
wounds, do I not?
[00:19:42] Speaker B: You do.
[00:19:42] Speaker A: You know, my stories. They're not all great, are they? They're not all a
good time, are they? No, don't.
[00:19:49] Speaker B: It kind of smells like watermelon.
[00:19:51] Speaker A: Sorry, my foot smells like watermelon. I appreciate that. Can you stop
sniffing on my foot like you're some deranged toddler that needs to just touch mommy?
[00:20:00] Speaker B: I will.
[00:20:01] Speaker A: Can you. Can you control your base urges?
[00:20:05] Speaker B: I can.
[00:20:05] Speaker A: Thank you, you crazy little monkey.
[00:20:09] Speaker B: Wait a minute. I don't throw my poop at you.
[00:20:13] Speaker A: In a metaphorical way. You do nothing but throw your poop at me. I'm just
letting you know that I.
[00:20:19] Speaker B: Don'T know what a metaphor is.
[00:20:20] Speaker A: You would if you listened.
It's almost like I'm trying to teach you a vocabulary that you're on purpose not learning so that
you can feign ignorance and continue to act like a little crazy monkey. Are we gonna do this on
the podcast? This is how you want our first podcast about this to be? Ah, no. Are we going to go
back? So we're entering in a contest. We also still have the GoFundMe going, so if people don't
have the money to donate to us to help us out, they can donate a few minutes of their day and
give us a single vote. Right? Single vote per day. There's multiple rounds of voting, which are
going to also be posted, and people can learn about that on the website. Right. And on the. On
the flyers we're going to post, it's going to say, you know, the top 20, top 15, top ten semifinals
wild cards and tell people the dates. Right. Give them all the information they need that they're
going to completely ignore, just like you. Right.
[00:21:13] Speaker B: Right.
[00:21:14] Speaker A: Okay. And then we're just going to cross our fingers and hope that people
think we're worth voting for.
[00:21:17] Speaker B: Never grow through fingers. That brings you bad luck. Oh, trust me, I
know.
[00:21:21] Speaker A: Oh, I think that you not putting actual forethought into your actions is what
brings you bad luck.
[00:21:27] Speaker B: Maybe. Maybe. Possibly. Could be.
[00:21:30] Speaker A: Maybe. We'll figure it out later.
Is that everything? Yeah. Are you excited? Yes. Me too. I gotta get to work. I gotta go start
working on flyers today.
[00:21:39] Speaker B: Um, can I.
[00:21:40] Speaker A: Can I also paint while I'm working on flyers? Yes. I'll think about it.
[00:21:44] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:21:44] Speaker A: We also have to listen to math.
[00:21:46] Speaker B: Oh, no.
[00:21:47] Speaker A: Not morals.
[00:21:48] Speaker B: Oh, no.
[00:21:49] Speaker A: How would you like to say your goodbyes to the audience?
[00:21:52] Speaker B: See ya.
[00:21:52] Speaker A: See ya.
There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.
There you have it. Bullet wounds and stretch marks. It's going to be back up and posting. It's
mostly going to be just me, probably. I've got a few friends coming out. We're going to have a big
birthday anniversary podcast. Because the finals of this contest, it's too perfect, ladies and
gentlemen. It's too perfect. The finals of this podcast are going to be on October 11. Which is
what? The anniversary of the podcast and my birthday. So hook it up. What? I go. Okay, we'll
see you guys later. Wish us luck. But don't just wish us luck. Help us out. Help us out. Help us
out. Bye.
